I don't understand why things happen, I've been so happy laely, things have been going so good. I hav a job, and plans to go see James on the 7th of March. I've lost weight, I'm changing my hair color. I've ben good. Until today, I found out today, that my cousin died. I knew him very well when we were little, he was my sisters age. I don't really know why it hurts so much, it's not like this is the first time I've had to deal with death, still, it sucks so badly. I'm crying now, I don't even really know why. Maybe it's for him, maybe for me. Maybe it's because of my fear, death makes you realize how fragile life is. He was only 22, Sean was only 15, my cousin Valerie was only 16, you don't expect it this young. I'm so terrified that something will happen to my neice, she's only 2 almost 3, but death doesn't care about age. I don't know wether I should pray, pray that God keeps her safe, that He helps D.J.'s family, that He protects everyone I love; or wether I should curse him, threaten him, hate him forever. I want to, I want to hate him for Sean, and for D.J., for Val, but I want to thank him for my neices and nephew, for James, for everyone that I love that is still here. Whichever I choose, love or hate, I'll always be able to change my mind later.