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Friday, November 07, 2003
Posted at 09:12 pm by Anjuli
Closure
Remove the pictures from my brain
These memories drive me insane
I see the evil things you've done playing in my mind
I cannot erase these thought
the past has not been kind
I feel your evil touch
It makes my skin crawl
Many years have passed
Since my innocence you stole
The pain is still remembered
I cannot leave it behind
How many times I have wished
To have these memories purged from my mind
I take a deep breath
But I cannot keep calm
Every wound upon my skin
Is an attempt to hide from the pain within
I feel your evil touch
It makes my skin crawl
Many years have passed
Since my innocence you stole
The pain is still remembered
I can't push it away
Make these wounds forgotten
So I don't see them everyday
You smothered the fire inside of me
You didn't leave a flame
You raped my body
But my mind is what you maimed
I feel your evil touch
It makes my skin crawl
Do you recognize me?
I was the little girl you mauled
You kneel begging for you life
How does it feel
With your skin pressed against the icy knife.
I want it back you motherfucker
give me back what you stole
But you can't
So I cut you
And your blood runs cold
Bold lyrics are meant to be screamed, lyrics in italics are whispered, and plain lyrics are simply sung
Forever Gone, Forever You
The past is gone but not forgotten
Betrayals past but not undone
The evil things that happen
Will break you not make you strong
Life goes on it never ends
My world is a hellish place
This life has no peace
I fall into a nexus
I am forever gone
Without me the world continues
It passes by my eyes
Nobody seems to miss me
I can't help but wonder why
Am I so insignificant
Was my life so unimportant
Why does noone know I am missing
I am trapped in this void
of which there is no escape
Trapped within these tears
That are too easily embraced
Darkness surrounds me
All light is consumed
All thats left of me is ashes
And the memory of you
Drowning
Happiness seems to lie
Past a river I cannot cross
I place my foot upon the water
The cold chills me to the spine
Continue on the voices whisper
I close my eyes and pray the gods are kind
I breathe a breath so deep
Slowly across the water I creep
The liquid ice envelopes me
I feel that I might drown
I find the deepest water
Is but moments from the ground
My head is covered now
My feet are made of stone
My breath is trapped inside of me
I feel my blood grow cold
A few more steps is all I need
A few more steps until I'm freed
I lack the strength to go on
I cannot lift my feet
Am I doomed to die
With happiness barely out of reach
Envy
I gaze into the glass
She wears a smirk on her face
I see her laughing at me
I feel it throughout the day
Oh how she mocks me
With her perfect life
She always seems so happy
It's funny, I can take it all away
With just a well aimed knife
But perhaps shes only hiding
from the sadness she feels within
Perhaps by some strange twist of fate
Shes just as miserable as me
I saw her crying once
Perhaps those tears were meant for me
Perhaps she felt all of my fears
But she smiles at me now
That happy smile I cannot bear
suddenly things have changed
She smiles from triumphant pain
I stand frozen to the ground
My lips move but there is no sound
She plunges the knife into her breast
Forgive me please her eyes implore
She gazes at me as I crumple to the floor
Suddenly I am afraid
Suddenly I feel the pain
Before I die I realize
all this time we were the same.
Fool
You tell me I'm pretty
I tell you you lie
You call me an angel
Yet I have no wings to fly
They were torn off long ago
I stand before you broken
You are a fool to see me as beautiful
All you see is the mask behind which I hide
You don't see my scars
or the depths of my wounds
You look in my eyes
But you don't see the pain inside
I am not beautiful
I never will be
Why can't you see
That beautiful does not become me
Abandoned
I drag the blade across my veins
My wounds expelling all the pain
I hate the person I have become
Why couldn't the pain make me numb
I ask you God where you are
But all I get is silence
Do you hear my dreadful screams?
Do you know how alone I feel?
You have left me no choice
Because of you I have been
abandoned by all
The life is flowing out of my arms
There is no one here to miss my charms
Why did you abandon me?
I am here so lost and alone
I don't know what to do
I just want to end the pain
I'm afraid to die
it hurts so much
Are you listening?
You did this to me
It's all your fault
You were supposed to be here
you were supposed to care
I have taken the only pathin front of me
though I know when I get to your door
You'll look down on me because I was weak
God I don't deserve this
Please God understand that I tried
Conciousness
Every morning is another hell
I wake up and want to scream
This world is a horrible place
But when I dream I have heaven
It gets harder and harder to sleep
and harder and harder to wake up
My nights I spend clawing at my skin
Trying to excape this shell I have been given
The world is full of lies
where a child in solitude must cry
I don't want to do this anymore
I fall asleep a smile curbing my lips
Dreaming of a place where happiness exists
I sleep shrouded in bliss
Because my final thought has been a death wish
Betrayal
I confided my darkest secret to you
and I stood there exposed and waiting
Waiting for you to hold me,
hold me and tell me it would be okay,
But what I hoped,
would never be
Because as i feared,
with your next words
your youngest daughter you did betray
Why mommy?
Was I so hard to believe?
You know how he was
how he always has been
I can't broach the subject without being rebuffed
I know that you think I hate you
but in truth I love you so much
so much that I feel I betray myself
For how can I love you
When it seems,
that you don't love me enough to believe
Posted at 08:50 pm by Anjuli
That's the end of my story,
but not the end of my life. So many things have begun to happen, so many things that I don't know how to voice. I think I'm in love, and I think he feels the same. It's like, for so long I thought that I had been abandoned, and that God didn't care. But looking at the things that have begun to change, it has become obvious that he never left or abandoned me, he was just waiting for me to realize that he was there and that he cared. Even if things were to happen, that were not so good, I'd still know that he loves me, and wants to make me strong for the things that might come.
Posted at 08:20 pm by Anjuli
Little Girl is left all alone now, she’ll never be the same, and she closes off her heart. She still smiles, and laughs, put it is all an act now, because with Little Boy gone, all happiness was gone too. Little Girl felt so much pain then, the day after she got her letter, was the day of her quinceanera, and she danced, and laughed and pretended to be happy, and she got very, very drunk. She went on with her life, it wasn't by choice, but more because the time she tried to end her pain, it hurt so much worse, because all she could think about was Little Boy, and the hope that perhaps he was not dead, perhaps it was a trick on the part of his mother, Little Boy’s mother had never approved of the little mexican girl dating her darling anglo boy. As Little Girl brought the razor to her wrists, all she could think about was him escaping his mother’s clutches to come back to her, and finding that she was dead. So Little Girl put the blade away, and tucking her hopes deep within her heart, she cried herself to sleep.
Little Girl went on like this for almost two years, and she found that if she used the blade to cut shallow wounds in hidden places, it helped her from becoming completely numb, and it helped her to blot out the pain she felt inside. When Little girl was 16 and a half, Mommy gave her a new car. Little Girl loved this car, because it made it possible for her to drive up to the mountains and sort out her thoughts. After she got hr car, Little Girl had begun to make all sorts of friends, this surprised Little Girl, because she had always felt very unattractive, and unworthy of friendship; but deep inside Little Girl, she hungered not to be alone forever, so she didn’t question their motives. There was one girl in particular who changed Little Girls life, and after a few months, this girl became Best Friend. Little Girl trusted Best Friend quite a bit, so she told Best Friend about Little Boy, and Best Friend was sad, and comforted Little Girl, this made Little Girl feel so much better.
That same year, in March, Big Brothers wife had a Baby Girl. By the time Baby Girl was born, Little Girl had repressed most of her memories of her childhood, because after she had told Little Boy, she did not feel the pain it had caused for a very long time. When Baby Girl was born, Little Girl began to have the nightmares, she did not know why at first, for the nightmares were not the events that had happened. These nightmares consisted of Little Girl watching through a doorway, and seeing another Little Girl being made to play the evil games. After weeks of the same nightmare over and over again, Little Girl awoke to memories flooding her heart with pain, and her eyes with tears. When Baby Girl was 3 weeks old, she came to live with Little Girl and Mommy. You see, Baby Girls Mommy was not a very good mother, and so she decided the best thing for Baby Girl would be to Live with Little Girl’s Mommy. Little Girl was relieved that it would be easier for her to protect Baby Girl from Big Brother. However, Little Girl began to cut herself carelessly, and one day Best Friend noticed the cuts on Little Girl’s arms. Best Friend was truly worried, so Little Girl told her everything, and just as Little Boy had done Best Friend offered Little Girl comfort.
It was very distressing however, for Little Girl to see Big Brother on a regular basis, and it was even more difficult for her to keep him from being alone with Baby Girl. The pain and the far began to take its toll on Little Girl, and one day she cut herself too deeply., and when she was found, she was taken to the hospital. Little Girl was very incoherent on the way there, and over and over in the ambulance, all she could say was that she wised she had died. Arriving at the hospital, she was fixed, and after saying that it was an accident, she was released.
A few nights later, Mommy asked to speak to Little Girl privately, and Mommy asked to know why Little Girl had done what she did. Little Girl, being very tired of keeping the secret, and hoping that Mommy would help to protect Baby Girl, finally told Mommy what had happened to her so many years ago. When she was done, Little Girl waited for Mommy to comfort her, as most of us would expect a mother to do, but Little Girl was to be very disappointed. Mommy did not believe Little Girl, saying that “there is nothing sexy about a seven year old.” Little Girl was in disbelief, and she began to cry. Mommy then told her not to be so melodramatic, and that she would make a good actress one day. After this betrayal, Little Girl never held Mother in the same light again, and her Mother was placed in a category lower than that which the Priest had occupied, for the Priest was a stranger, but he had at least believed the Little Girl.
Posted at 08:12 pm by Anjuli
Chapter 5:The New Life Ends
So now Little Girl can say that she is well and truly happy, she has Little Boy who cares for her, and gives her all the love and support that Little Girl ever needed. So they continue on, and Little Girl blooms, she no longer thinks about the past, only the future, and all the good happy things that seem to lie there. She smiles now, at everything and at nothing, such is her euphoria. Her grades are high in school, for the first time since she was in the 2nd grade, she has made honor roll.
One day, Little Girl gets a phone call from Little Boy, he has something very important to tell her, and asks if she will meet him at the secret place. Of course she agrees, and as she hurries there she stops to thank God for sending her Little Boy. As she waits, she thinks back to the mess her life was only 9 months earlier, and she thinks back to all the days that Little Boy made her life better, Little Girl looks up suddenly, she knew he was coming before she saw him, it was like that with them, each very aware of the others presence. But something was not quite right, Little Boy did not have his usual glow about him, and indeed he looked worn. Apprehensively, Little Girl Met Little Boy in the middle of the park. Suddenly Little Boy embraced Little Girl, and he began to mumble things into Little Girls hair. At first the gravity of his words did not reach Little Girl, but when she finally understands, and in that moment of understanding, her world falls apart. You see, Little Boy had been having a great many headaches, and a week ago, Little Boy’s Mommy had taken him to the hospital. Since that first hospital visit, Little Boy had been in and out of the doctor’s office on a daily basis so that they could figure out what was wrong with him. At the Doctors on this day, his ailment had been delicately revealed to him, Little Boy had an inoperable brain tumor, and it was inevitable that he would die.
The next few days were unbearable, Little Girl felt betrayed by Little Boy. How could he promise to be hers forever, and then tell her that he was going to leave, and she would never see him again? Little Girl blamed him, but she was most especially mad at God, how could he do this to her? Little Girl had suffered many things in her life, things that He had made happen, and then he goes and takes away the only good thing to ever be in her life. But Little Boy wasn’t gone yet, and so she tries to call him to tell him how sorry she is, and how much she still loves him, and how she’ll be there for him and hold his hand until he goes. But there is no answer at Little Boy’s house, and Little Girl goes to church to beg God not to take him away from her. Little Girl leaves the church and goes to the special place, hoping she might find him there. As she approaches, she sees a small blue envelope with her name on it taped to the tree. She knows he must have just been here, and she knows that if she’d come just a bit sooner she would have found him. She slowly takes out the piece of paper from the envelope and opens it up,
“My lost Little Girl,” he wrote. “I’m sorry I have to leave, and I’m sorry I couldn’t hold you one last time and say goodbye, but Mama is scared, and she said that we need to be with Dad now, until I go. You can’t hate her for it Little Girl, she doesn’t understand how much I need you. Please don’t hate me Little Girl, I’m sorry I can’t keep my promise, I’m sorry I’ll never see you again, and I’m sorry I won’t be there to see you in your big fancy dress at your quinceanera. You don’t know how badly I wanted to dance with you on that night, and pretend that it was our wedding, a wedding I know we’ll never have. I love you, my sweetest Little Girl, and know that I want you to go on with your life, and I want you to be happy. Promise me that you will be happy, and I promise you that I will never leave you, and we will be together again someday. I love you always, Your Little Boy”
So Little Girl went home, numb, and alone, and feeling more unhappy than she ever had. A month goes by, and on her birthday she receives a package from his mother. As Little Girl opens it, knowing the worst, her fears are confirmed. Little Boy had died 15 days before, on his 15th birthday, with Little Girl’s name on her lips. Little Girl also finds a note from Little Boy, his handwriting barely legible, wrapped around a small black pouch. The note tells of his love, and it asks Little Girl to keep the pouch with her always, and to cherish its contents. Inside the pouch was a small glass heart, with a paper that read: “There is a space within My heart, that only you can fill. Keep this heart close when we’re part, and know that I love you still.
Posted at 08:11 pm by Anjuli
So, by the time Little Girl was 9 years old, she had been through some very difficult things, and now, It was finally over. Little Girl began to allow herself to feel again, and she began to let people into her world, not all of her world, for there are some things that were best left out of mind, but they got to know who Little Girl was.
And so, many years passed, only 5 really, but to a 14 year old girl, 5 years of almost happiness did seem like a lot. Little Girl could never really be completely happy, she had far to many bad memories that tended to float to the surface for that to happen, but she soon learned how to push those memories away.
When Little Girl was 14, she started high school. On her very first day, something very wonderful happened, Little Girl met Little Boy, and he was a very nice Little Boy. The first Little Boy to show any interest in Little Girl, and so, they became great friends. After a few months, Little Girl decided that she could trust Little Boy, because Little Boy was always very gentle with Little Girl’s feelings. So Little Girl told Little Boy all about everything. They talked for a very long time, until Little Girl was done. When she had finally finished pouring out her heart and her life to Little Boy, she looked at his face. Little Boy did not move, he just sat there staring at Little Girl, and Little Girl thought that she would die. But Little Boy did something very surprising then, he put his arms around Little Girl and told her that everything would be alright. You see, Little Boy didn’t care that Little Girl felt used and ashamed, in fact, Little Boy did his best to convince Little Girl that it wasn’t her fault. Little Girl felt very warm and very safe for a long time.
Little Girl and Little Boy became very close, and one day each revealed to the other that they loved each other. That day was the happiest day in Little Girls life. Little Girl and Little Boy began to make plans soon after that. Together, they decided that they would go to college in Ohio, you see Little Girl and Little Boy both needed to get away from their past, and their families. I would tell you all about Little Boy, but that is not my story to tell, at least not now. Now, when they had known each other for 6 months, Little Boy gives Little Girl a ring. Little Boy tells little girl that he cannot imagine his life without her, and he asks Little Girl to promise to be with him forever. Little Girl agrees, and she tells him that all her life she had felt alone, until the day that she met him, and that she could not imagine her life without him.
Because of Little Boy, Little Girl begins to pray again, she starts to believe that God gave him to her to make up for what happened in her past. From now on, every prayer Little Girl prays, is only that Little Boy will forever stay.
Posted at 08:10 pm by Anjuli
Now, perhaps some of you are wondering why no one ever noticed Little Girl’s sadness, or why Little Girl didn’t just tell Mommy. You see, all this had begun to happen when Mommy and Daddy were fighting. Everyone just assumed that Little Girl was sad because Mommy and Daddy had problems, and Little Girl never told Mommy, because, when the fighting started, Little Girl saw the look of disillusionment and betrayal Mommy gave Daddy. Little Girl didn’t ever want Mommy to give her that look, so Little Girl kept quiet. When they moved to El Paso, Little Girl was told that she used to live with the Grandma here, Little Girl was quiet for a long time, she had not remembered that Mommy and Daddy had sent her away before.
The Family, minus Daddy of course, moved into Grandma’s house, this Grandma was Mommy’s Mommy. While they lived in this house, the evil games stopped, you see the children were never alone here like they had been in the old house. Little Girl began to like El Paso, after all, who wouldn't like to move to a now place and find out that the abuse had stopped. Little Girl started a new school, and the new Teacher was very nice. There were things in class that were hard for Little Girl though, she remembers that one day Teacher had asked the class to draw a picture of a happy memory. This made Little Girl very sad, she could not remember ever having a happy memory. Little Girl did not cry however, she simply looked at the pictures everyone else had been drawing and decided to draw something similar. That is when Little Girl learned that when you pretend, people don’t know something is wrong, and they don’t ask awkward questions.
A few months after Little Girl; moved to El Paso, Mommy got the Family an apartment. Little Girl did not want to move again, but like always, there was not much she could say about it. In the new apartment, the bad games began to begin again. Little Girl did not know what to do. So she regressed, and again she detached herself, she locked her mind in a cage where it could not feel while the rest of her did whatever they asked. Little Girl called the police once, she dialed 911, but Big Brother came into the room then and hung up the phone.
Little Girl remembers being locked in the bathroom when the police showed up to make certain everything was ok. Big Sister was in there with her, and she told Little Girl that she didn't like the games either, but that if Little Girl could keep quiet, she would make Big Brother stop. Little Girl did as Big Sister asked, because she knew that Big Brother would do anything for Big Sister. That was when the games finally stopped, for good. For the months following, Little Girl thought that perhaps she could actually be happy again, for real this time.
Posted at 08:10 pm by Anjuli
Little Girl knew that she did not belong in this family. You see, Big Brother was 10 years old, Big Sister was 9, but Little Girl was only 7, so that meant that Little Girl was always deemed too small to join in the fun and games with Big Brother and Sister. After they had lived in the new house, Big Sister and Little Girl began to get along, it was difficult to because they shared a room, but somehow they managed.
Little Girl remembers the day that Big Brother and Sister said that they would let her play a grown up game, now Little Girl was very excited, she had never been allowed to play with them before, and they knew that little Sister would do anything just to feel like she belonged. So that is how the games began, but Little Girl did not like these games, they were not fun, they frightened her, and made her feel very small and very ashamed.
One day Little Girl refused to play these games, and Big Brother and Sister called her vile names that belittled her, and destroyed her self esteem. Little Girl didn’t like the way these names made her feel, it was almost as bad as having to play those games, so one day when The Family was at church, Little Girl slipped away and found a priest. Little Girl told the priest about everything that had happened, about the bad games she was made to play, and about the ugly names she had been called for refusing to play. The priest seemed to listen patiently, and when she had finished telling him he told her the most surprising thing. The Priest began to admonish the Little Girl for being a part of such evil practice, and he told her that she had not been forced to play these games, and that it was her own fault that they made her feel evil, because she was evil. Now this is not what Little Girl wanted to hear, Little Girl wanted to hear that everything would be ok, Little Girl wanted Priest to pick her up and tell her that these evil things would not happen again. So the Little Girl ran away from the Priest and in her shame, she became detached, if she didn’t have control over things, then perhaps she could keep from feeling altogether.
So the Little Girl left the church, feeling completely betrayed by God and by what a Family was supposed to be. So Little Girl continued to play these games, and when Big Brother and Sister realized that Little Girl had become detached and uncaring, they found new ways to hurt her. Little Girl never really knew why they hurt her so, perhaps they blamed her for the ruination of their Family, after all they probably reasoned, Mommy and Daddy had not begun fighting till after Little Girl was born.
When Little Girl was 8 years old, the Family was officially broken, Mommy and Daddy had decided that they would get divorced. Little Girl remembers the night Mommy had bundled them all in the car and had dropped them off at Grandmas house. Little Girl remembers Grandma pleading with Mommy not to embarrass Daddy. It did not matter to Grandma that Daddy had already embarrassed Mommy with the infidelity, because Daddy was this Grandma’s baby. Little Girl remembers faking sleep for Mommy’s peace of mind, but Little Girl was wide awake and remembers it all.
Little Girl remembers the days afterwards as well, she remembers when Uncle came from El Paso to help them move. Little Girl remembers the man Mommy hired to pack boxes, and Little girl remembers the bologna sandwiches and chips they ate in the living room on the last day. More tan anything however, and perhaps more bitterly than anything, Little Girl remembers the names, and the shoves, and indeed, Little Girl even remembers which scars were the ones made on those days before they moved.
Posted at 08:09 pm by Anjuli
This is a story, more than that it is my story, it explains so much of who I am, that I think it is important for the people who want to get to know me to read. This is mostly for him, so I can tell him the things that want him to know. Things that I think are important for him to know, given the feelings I've devolped for him. So this is me....
Chapter One: The Beginning
This is a story about a little girl, but perhaps to understand this little girl we should start by understanding the circumstances of her birth. Daddy was 7 months older than Mommy, and both were the oldest children in their families. Mommy came from money and was very spoiled, and Daddy was born into a low income family and began working as soon as he was old enough. Dad joined the Marines after graduation, and Mommy joined the Army, perhaps for the independence, perhaps just because she could. Somehow they met, and in July of 1980 they were married, in December of that same year they had a son. Now this little boy was the apple of Daddy’s eye, and was named for him, just as Daddy had been named for his Daddy. Mommy was discharged from the Army so she could be a Mommy, and they were a happy family. There was only one shadow in their happy new life, Mommy’s Daddy wasn’t very happy, you see he did the math, and boy was he angry. He adored his brand new grandson, but he didn't speak a word to Mommy and Daddy for a long time.
13 months after Big Brother was born, Mommy and Daddy brought home Big Sister, and it seemed that they had the perfect family they always wanted. However their euphoria did not last, for soon it was discovered that Big Sister had a heart problem and it was not expected for her to see her 2nd birthday. So Mommy made a decision, she decided that she needed a new baby to help her cope if the worst were to happen. So these are the events leading up to the birth of Little Girl.
So Little Girl was born, and for the first year of her life she lived with Mommy, Big Brother, and Big Sister In Juarez, Mexico, while Daddy was away in Japan for the Marines. When Little Girl was about a year old, Mommy and Daddy left her with Grandma, because there was an operation Big Sister needed to get for her heart. So for a few years, Little Girl was forgotten by Mommy and Daddy, but Little Girl does not remember these things, so We will skip along to the next significant event in her life. Big Sister received her operation and at the age of four, her parents were told that she might not live to see the age of 14. But Mommy and Daddy were given hope, so, when Big Sister was released from the hospital they went to pick up Little Girl. They decided it would be in the best interest of Little Girl to take her away from the only family she could remember at three years old. But Little girl could not complain, after all she was only three years old. So The Family moved to North Carolina, where the Little Girl received the full attention of Mommy throughout the day. So soon, she forgot the feeling of loss and loneliness at losing her other family.
The earliest feeling this Little Girl remembers feeling was that she didn't belong. Little girl remembers the day that she learned to write her name, it was in her favorite book, a book that Big Brother and Big Sister liked to take, simply because they knew it bothered Little Girl. Their favorite saying was, “it isn't yours, your name isn’t written on it,” so in the infallible logic of a small child, Little Girl decided she needed to write her name on it. So Mommy wrote the name first, and Little Girl then preceded to copy it a million times more, onto everything she owned. There are a lot of insignificant things that little Girl remembers, she remembers finding a bunny in he backyard, and running to tell Mommy about it, and she remembers eating the baby carrots Mommy had given her to feed the bunny, she even remembers going inside and telling Mommy that the bunny was very hungry and had asked for more carrots. Little Girl remembers the Dairy Queen stand that was around the block from her house, and she remembers that her favorite was always a double dipped cherry cone. Little Girl remembers big Brother breaking her red Cat in The Hat book ends, simply because he knew that it was her favorite possession. However, Little Girl cannot seem to recall any significant events that occurred during this time. She cannot remember when Daddy was deployed to the Middle East for Operation Desert Shield, but she does remember Big Brother and Sister blaming it on her. She remembers being sent to live with another Grandma in Houston when she was in the 1st grade, she remembers the name of her teacher, and the name of her school, and even the number of the class room she was in, but everything else seems to pass by as an unimportant blur. However, when Little Girl is seven years old, she remembers the new house. She has no concept of when they moved in, or where the house was exactly, all she remembers is that it was when Daddy and Mommy came home and yet again took her away from the family she had become accustomed to and had grown to love.
Posted at 08:06 pm by Anjuli
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I'm 20, 5'5". I 'm a college student at Campbell University. Go Camels! lol. I am majoring in Mass Communications:Broadcasting and Production, and minoring in Theatre, at least I will be minoring in Theatre when I get off my lazy butt and get to it. Thats some interesting stuff about me... so... ummm... yeah
Contact Me
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