In english now:

I haven't posted in awhile; I’m still getting used to be open about how I am feeling. I never really organize my thoughts like this. They always seem to be nothing more than a jumble of confusion in my mind. I don’t always make sense all the time either. Sometimes I think hat it bothers him, the fact that I rarely make sense. I wish I could, for him. I’d do anything for him really; it’s frightening that one person can have so much control over me, but I trust him, and I know he’d never take advantage of it, unless it truly was in my best interest. I never meant to give so much control over me, I never meant to give anyone this control over me. I have always prided myself in my independence, in the fact that every decision I have mad has been for me, what I want. Things are different now; I’m not so selfish anymore. I don’t think he knows how much hold he has on me, and while I know he wouldn’t ever take advantage of it if he did know, a part of me doesn’t like being in complete control anymore. I applied to his college a week ago, and now I’m waiting impatiently for a reply. There were many reasons for my choosing Campbell, but mainly, it was he. It might be foolish, but all things that have to do with love are foolish, that is the appeal I suppose. The chance for people to throw caution to the wind for a chance at happiness. I think sometimes, about Sean. I often wonder how things would have been different had h not died, we would probably be married right now, and he’d be in medical school maybe. I would have been content to merely be his wife back then. Now though, I want to be more than a woman attached to a man. I want to live my dreams, and have my goals fulfilled. I have my doubts, and uncertainties, I can’ help but to think about the what ifs. What if Sean isn’t really dead, what if he is only waiting for me to find him. What if he found me, and found that I had moved on, would it matter to him, he years I spent mourning him? Would he see how long I waited and hoped, or would he see only the fact that I had found someone new. That I had replaced him. I hate thinking about it like that, James is not a replacement, I don’t want him to be, and I know he doesn’t want to take Sean’s place, but would Sean see it that way? I don’t know that I would change any of it if I could, I do wish Sean could still be here, but I love James, and I don’t wan to lose him either. I suppose that I've gone and gotten myself in the same boat as Tiffany. I’m in love with two people, only one is dead, and therefore not really an option, and the other.... I am being so unfair to him by having these thoughts. I want to be with him, I want to look into his eyes, and I want to feel his arms around me. I honestly don't know what the point in any of this was, just me trying to understand my own thoughts. I don’t think I’ll ever understand me... maybe someday I will, with the help of a highly trained professional.

I want desperately to protect my niece from the things that have happened to me. I was very desperate recently and I asked my aunt to keep an eye on her while I went to the movies, you see, my mother had decided my brother should watch the kids. It drives me insane, knowing what she knows of him, she still is willing to leave him in charge of her. I don’t understand her, why does she do this, does she want her to be as screwed up as I am? I told my aunt, because she wanted to know why, why I was afraid to have him alone with her. Why must people always question why? Why can’t they just understand that there is good reason for it, and leave it at that. I told her why, not all of why, but the basics. I told her that something had happened when I was little, and that he did it. She understands my position, in wanting to protect my niece. You see, my cousin, my aunt’s niece, was sexually abused when she was 3 or 4, and afterwards, my aunt tried to protect her from possible damage again. My aunt said that my brother has a right to be able to be near his daughter, but I don’t like it. He’s only recently decided to be a dad. For almost 3 years, he was in and out of jail for various reasons, non relating to me, and he could have cared less about his children. Every decision he has made, is in what suits him best,, not what is best for his kids. I have practically raised my niece, since she was an infant, and I don’t think it’s fair that he shows up whenever he feels like it and plays “daddy” the gets bored, and abandons them until it suits his needs again. It’s not fair to her, it’s not fair to get her hopes up that daddy is going to be around, and then have him disappear without notice. I remember what it felt like to have my own father treat us like this, and I don’t want it for her. Not only that, but I can’t risk her becoming what I have become. I don’t want her to be as bitter as I am, or for her to be as unhappy and untrusting as I am. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how I can save her from him for much longer. What will it take to get through to them (my mother, my aunt) does he actually have to hurt her to before they realize that he's bad? I’ll be damned if I let her go through what I’ve been through.